Mom Speak

Do you ever say something out loud and then think to yourself, "Who the hell have I become?" Here's some of the stupid mom crap that I find myself saying on the regular, with a nice translation of what I'm actually thinking.

What I say: Calm your body
What I'm thinking: How do you have so much energy at nine o'clock at night?!? Stop thrashing around and lie still!!!

What I say: Listen to my words
What I'm thinking: If I have to say the same thing one more time, I'm going to lose my shit!

What I say: Sit on your bottom
What I'm thinking: Stop standing/climbing on every thing in sight!

What I say: Use your words
What I'm thinking: Stop talking like a fucking baby! (directed to the four year old, not the actual baby)

What I say: I need you to...
What I'm thinking: I want to directly tell him what to do, but all the gentle parenting crap I've read says to use "I" statements

What I say: We don't talk like that
What I'm thinking: HAHA, that was hilarious! I'm totally posting that on Facebook later :)

Getting to Knoooowww Meeee!!

Just some fun facts about me:

1. What is your favorite word? It varies, but right now it's, "Seriously!?" I quickly learn what words I use a lot, when my four year old starts saying them regularly

2. What is your least favorite word? "Panties" It sounds so incestuous, I've got the heeby jeebies just typing it!

3. What sound or noise do you love? Thunderstorms

4. What sound or noise do you hate? Loud music/TV/anything, especially while I'm trying to have a conversation I seriously think I have sensory issues

5. What is your favorite swear word? I effing love the F word

6. A song you’d risk wreck & injury to turn off when it comes on the radio? B52's Love Shack it even made the short "do not play" list at our wedding

7. Favorite show on television? Shameless though we no longer get Showtime and that makes me sad

8. Favorite movie? Silence of the Lambs Is that creepy?

9. What are you grateful for today? A warm, cozy home

10. If you could have anything put on a t-shirt what would it be? "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to" this has been my motto for years

11. Favorite meal? Veggie nachos with good guacamole

12. A talent you wish you had? Anything musical

13. What’s on your nightstand? Oh just some light reading before bed- Hear Me, See Me: Incarcerated Women Write

14. Three things about you that would surprise us? (1) I'm really sensitive, and over analyze almost every interaction I have (2) I would love to be a "plus size" model for a day (3) I think I was black in another life  


Now it's your turn- go!

Questions are borrowed from various sources, but the answers are all mine.

Livin' the Dream

My husband and I joke with each other, mostly when a shitstorm is brewing around us, that we're Livin' the Dream. Basically, we wonder, "what the hell have we gotten ourselves in to?" If you're a parent, or possibly even if you're not, you have these moments where everything seems so surreal and you can't even fathom that this is what your life has come to. A few examples for you:

• When your three year old goes outside to greet the new realtor wearing nothing but rain boots

• When you turn around to find the baby sitting in the bathroom sink eating toothpaste, when all you did was reach into the closet for a towel

• When your kid yells "frickin' bullshit!" while trick-or-treating

• When the baby NEEDS to nurse at the exact same time that you're doing your (ahem) morning business

• When your out of town guest steps in dog puke as he's trying to pick up food thrown by the baby )who happens to be sitting ON the dinner table)... and your other kid just happens to be naked

Does this shit happen to anyone else? Please say yes, or I may worry that I'm totally failing at this parenting thing.

I Was Meant To Be A Boy Mom

Disclaimer: I'm going to generalize a bit in this post. I know not all girls are frilly pink princesses and not all boys are wrestle maniacs- though this has been my general experience. Our home is pretty old school traditional when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and all that jazz, but that's how I want it, so I feel totally liberated.

I think it's fair to say that most of us were meant to be either girl parents or boy parents. Some of you are lucky enough to have both boys and girls, which means at least one of your kids will hate you someday. I'm totally kidding (kinda).

Here are the reasons that I know I was meant to be a Boy Mom:

I have the mind of a twelve year old boy No joke, I still think farts are hilarious and can't say the word "balls" with a straight face. I should probably grow up and be a better role model, but it's so much fun to laugh and laugh while I moon my boys.

I can't french braid The idea of having to do someone else's hair everyday (I barely do my own) sounds like such a pain in the ass! I remember fighting with my mom over brushing my long, curly hair until she made me cut it in fifth grade and I had triangle hair... Luckily my kiddos sport the "little boy cut" and can go right to the barber with Dadd-O.

Saying penis is so much easier than vagina... or vulva... or labia Seriously, I know I have one of these things, but the idea of talking about it or cleaning one (that's not mine) totally terrifies me! Oddly though, it doesn't bother me one bit to yell, "Get your penis off your brother's leg!"

I really enjoy being the Queen of our castle Being the only girl in the house totally rocks. As these boys get older, I plan to never take out the trash, mow the lawn, shovel snow or lift anything heavy (unless I want to, of course). I do realize that I'll be busy cooking enough food to feed a small army and washing dirty boxer shorts (but at least it'll be quiet and hopefully drama free).

December To Do

My good friend Kara over at The Daily Whisk inspired me to write a monthly To-Do list. I missed November, but am feeling really motivated this month, so here goes:

Decorate our mantel- This is the first time I've ever had a mantel in my home, and I really want it to be festive for the holidays. How do you decorate your mantel?

Hang Pictures in the Family Room- I have visions of eclectic family photos in mismatched frames that look really cool- I'm just hoping I can pull it together and not become a serious Pinterest fail. Has anyone tried this? Pics please!

Attend a fitness class- there's a gym in the building where I work, you can try it free for five days and I can buy a punch card with no commitment. Seriously, what's taken me so long? I freaking love group fitness!! (no joke)

What are YOU doing this month??

A Cheers to Single Parents

My husband travels for work a lot. It's not every week, but when he's gone it's usually for at least a week at a time, sometimes two! Recently I've noticed a trend in my parenting skills the longer he's gone.

Days 1-5: I can handle this- I maintain our normal routine fairly well. Dinner is eaten at the table, then bath, play time, bed for Jaxy and a snack and a show for Harrison. Mornings go smoothly because I got everything ready the night before (after Jax goes to sleep, but before Harrison does). I'm well rested and prepared each day. I build forts and do art projects with the boys- giving them 100% of our my attention.

Days 6-10: I think I can, I think I can... Things are still running pretty smoothly, but I'm losing my stamina. Dinner is mostly eaten at the table, but we stop for a Happy Meal now and then. Baths are more sporadic (unless someone gets exceptionally dirty). Evening prep work has halted as I lose my commitment to organization. I'm too busy with the big stuff that I let go in last week's honeymoon phase- emptying and loading the dishwasher, catching up on laundry, taking out the fucking garbage! Mornings suck as I scramble to put together lunches and water bottles and extra mittens for preschool. I'm about 15 minutes late to work each morning with a hot cup of gas station coffee in hand (yes, I'm that girl.)

Day 10+: I've lost my ever loving mind! The kids are fed and clean and loved. But the house is a disaster- dishes pile up as I can't find time to cook dinner and empty the dishwasher, I trip over toys at 5am when the dog wants to eat (stupid daylight savings). Dinner happens in front of the TV many nights (judge away), baby wipes provide baths, my own hygiene plummets, and we're all late in the morning and the kids are the last ones to be picked up at daycare/preschool. We're basically a travelling shit show.

At this point, I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Being late to work is stressful, not bringing a lunch is stressful, forgetting something (anything really) is stressful, leaving your house a wreck is stressful, coming home to a messy house is stressful... and all this stress causes me to yell at my boys way.too.much.

It's not their fault that I just can't keep up with it all, they depend on me to be there for them emotionally and physically. And that's why I let the house go as the weeks go on and try to keep my energy and attention focused on them. But doing this parenting thing alone for even two weeks is draining.

I know I'm lucky. I see a light at the end of this crazy, long and lonely tunnel. My husband and co-parent will be home soon to share in parenting and house work (riiiight) and most importantly to let the fucking dog out at 5am. That's when I take off for a few hours to grocery shop and poop alone (in a public bathroom somewhere).

Single parents- cheers to you! I don't know how you do it.

Hello Again!

I know, I've been absent. I got sick, and the baby was sick and life happened... but anyway, I'm baaack! And I realized that I never wrote a follow up post when I completed my Advocare 24 Day Challenge.

Update

I lost a total of four pounds and have maintained that loss, I even dipped down to 168.8 for a day! I realize that four pounds in 24 days is pretty good and I'm happy about it, but that loss all happened in the first 10 days and then it stopped.

My size 14 dress pants are looser. Not loose enough to get rid of them, but looser.
I can fit into some of my size 12 dress pants, and snugly fit into a ridiculously expensive pair of jeans I bought before I got pregnant with Jax. They look best paired with a hoodie to cover the muffin top.
I'm planning ahead and tracking what I eat. Anytime I've been successful with losing weight in the past I've used these two tools religiously. The challenge got me back into these habits.

I'm eating so much "cleaner." Before doing the challenge my main focus when looking at nutritional labels was the fat and calories. Now I also pay attention to carbs, protein, sugar and sodium. I try to eat real foods as much as possible, and processed food only occasionally. I keep my sodium low, sugars natural and low, carbs around or below 30 per meal and almost double my suggested daily value in protein.

Current Sample Menu:

Breakfast-
vanilla protein shake
1/2 cup frozen strawberries
1/2 banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk

Morning Snack-
cut up apple
1 tbs peanut butter or 1/4 cup almonds

Lunch-
big spinach salad
4 oz sliced turkey or salmon
light Italian dressing
1/2 cup chickpeas or brown rice

Afternoon Snack-
fat free Greek yogurt
1/2 cup Kashi cereal

Dinner-
5 oz chicken breast
1 cup roasted broccoli, green beans or Brussels sprouts
1/2 cup brown rice, sweet potato or whole wheat pasta

Evening Snack- (some days)
1/4 cup nuts or edamame trail mix

All in all, I'm glad I took the Advocare 24 Day Challenge, but I didn't find the process to be as amazing or life changing as some people do. I feel much less emotionally attached to food and the process of eating... though it's kind of like losing a long-time friend and leaves me feeling just a little bit empty. I know I need to find the hobby that will fill that void.

The major downside to the challenge? I cannot even think about eating another fucking egg white!

I Talk to Myself... But Not in a Crazy Way

I’ll admit it! I talk to myself. I’m not the crazy lady you avoid on the sidewalk, I don’t talk out loud, or yell profanities. There was that time that I forgot that I didn’t have the boys with me and narrated my entire trip through the grocery store… “We need apples. One… Two… Three apples. Apples are red.” But that’s not what I’m talking about here.

As a mom, wife, employee, daughter, granddaughter, friend, I always often feel pulled in a million different directions. My mile long to-do list is constantly running through my mind and along with numerous requests from my little guys, and a few from the big guy. Mama Time is sought after in our house, as I'm sure it is in many others. It may a coveted seat on my lap, the spot next to me at dinner, snuggles at bedtime, or simply time together alone (ie, the big guy).

Sometimes, (who am I kidding? pretty much on a daily basis), I get to a point when I’m feeling so overwhelmed with sharing myself that I just want to run away. It's times like these that I turn to the little voice inside that calms me, reassures me that I’m doing ok and that things will get easier. I conjure up memories of my own mother, the most patient, kind and caring mama a girl could ever have asked for. I call this my Mama Voice.

Before you think I've gone totally nuts, let me give you a couple of examples:

Example #1: We're in the middle of the morning scramble. One kid's running around naked, eating an apple and the other one (also naked) is crying because the pants I've given him to put on are too cold. Too cold? I want to scream! WTF does that even mean? Enter the Mama Voice, "You are his favorite person in the whole wide world. You will soon be dropping him off at preschool, do not ruin his day by yelling... especially about cold pants!" So I rub the hell out of the fucking cold pants to warm them to an acceptable temperature.

Example #2: It’s 8:00pm, dinner is over, the kitchen is picked up, the baby is (hopefully) sleeping. There’s laundry to be folded, Facebook to be checked, toys to pick up, Candy Crush to be played, wine to be drank (drunk?)… you get the picture. There’s a lot of stuff I could/should be doing with this “down time.” Then comes the sweet little voice of my three year old, “Will you snuggle me on the couch and watch a show?” I want to decline, I have so much to do and I need some time to myself. BUT my Mama Voice pipes up, “He loves you. He missed you today. He wants to spend time with you. The rest can wait.” And so, I snuggle my boy on the couch... and maybe play some Candy Crush.

Don't let me fool you, there are times when the Mama Voice doesn’t win out. I give that bitch the finger and find solace in laughs with a great friend over nachos and margaritas!

Monthly To Do List

This month I would like to WILL:

Take a weekend hike with my family. I love Fall, and really want to get outside with my boys to enjoy our beautiful state.

Read a book. Like a real adult book. Not that kind of "adult" book! (Fifty Shades is so last year)

Go pumpkin picking. Never in my life have I gone to a pumpkin patch and picked out my own pumpkin. I think this is the year!

Get on my eliptical. At least once...

Try a new recipe. This cool weather makes me want to spend more time in the kitchen.


What's on your to-do list this month?

More Than A Number

Every major milestone in my life has a number attached to the memory.

Freshman Year Prom- 148
High School Graduation- 168
College Graduation- 195
January 4, 2005 (the day I started Weight Watchers)- 196
My Wedding Day- 136
The day I found out I was pregnant with H- 155
The day I gave birth to H- 188
The day I found out I was pregnant with J- 161
The day I gave birth to J- 198
The day I started the 24 day challenge- 174
Day 11- 169.6
This morning- 170.2

I know that I'm more than a number, that my worth is not defined by the number on the scale. But these numbers burned so deeply into my memories that I can't seem to forget.

Struggles

Sunday was hard. I mean really hard. I was tired, I was cranky and I was emotional... and nothing felt like it was going right. I wanted to eat so bad. It wasn't that I was hungry (you've seen what I eat on a daily basis), but that's how I've dealt with hard days for as long as I can remember. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat... You get the picture.

I don't expect everyone to understand what I'm talking about here, but seperating my emotions from food has been the hardest part of this journey so far. Sure, I miss eating some of my favorite foods (mmmm....nachos), but it's more than that. I miss the instant relief that I get when I eat for comfort. I miss the experience and ritual connected to eating. I miss the social connection of eating with friends and family.

I was excited to begin this life change, but now that the newness is wearing off I feel a little really lost. I imagine this is what it feels like when someone who is addicted to drugs makes the decision to become clean. I know that I need to find healthy ways to relieve stress, to comfort myself and to connect with those that I love. I need to discover new activites to do with my family that don't involve stopping for ice cream or a Happy Meal (don't judge). Most importantly, I know that I need to be kind to myself and to be patient- this will all take time.

Please share, what do you do to take care of yourself?

Check In

Since I have a few days of eating differently under my belt I wanted to check in about how things are going. (I'm a social worker, so the term check in gets used on the regular).

What I'm Eating
For the first three days of the challenge I basically ate the same exact thing. Partially, I was anxious about making this change and sticking to a plan, but I also did a bunch of food prep on Sunday, so this is what I had readily available. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the plan, and have mixed things up a bit, but generally here's what I eat on an average day.

Breakfast

8 egg whites (yes 8!)

1/2 cup black beans

1/2 cup diced peppers and onions

Morning Snack

1/4 cup almonds

1 nectarine

Lunch

1-2 cups mixed greens with cucumbers and red peppers

4 oz salmon

1/2 cup chick peas

Lemon juice or balsamic vinegar for dressing

 

Afternoon Snack

2 tbs natural peanut butter

1 apple

Dinner

4-5 oz turkey breast

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup roasted broccoli

Evening Snack

Smoothie- 1 cup frozen fruit combined with 1/2 cup almond milk

As you can see, I'm eating frequently and taking in plenty of food! I plugged this average day into My Fitness Pal and I'm meeting all of my daily nutritional needs and still staying around 1600 calories (I'm still nursing, so I can't restrict too much). Previously, I was eating over closer to 2000 calories, but the volume of food was much lower and I was not getting nearly the nutrients I needed.

What I Miss
I'm not going to pretend this change has been all unicorns farts and rainbows. During the week, I'm often driving from one meeting to another, and I'd gotten into the habit of stopping for a cup of coffee or soda almost daily. I think it's the ritual more than the actual beverages that I miss, but it's been tough not to stop. To keep myself on track, I'm trying to focus on the amount of money I'm saving (about $10 per week, if not more). Dear Husband, please skip this next part- I'm looking forward to the fun things I'll be able to buy with the money I'm saving. Smaller clothes hopefully!

What I'm Learning
Real food tastes good.
Eating healthy takes practice and planning.
I feel better (physically and emotionally) when I eat healthy foods.
I have a strong emotional attachment to food.

Taking the Challenge

I've been feeling pretty unhealthy for awhile now. It seems like every Monday I make the same promise to myself- to do better, to eat good and I would... for a couple of days. Then I'd make a poor food choice, get a major case of the fuck-its and stop paying attention to what I put into my mouth. A bagel here, McDonald's there, two bottles of hard cider after dinner- you get the picture. I wasn't just off the wagon, I was dragging behind it by my feet.

Before my wedding, I was really in a groove- I lost 56 pounds by doing Weight Watchers. I was able to easilly maintain my weight between 140 and 150 pounds. But then life happened: I got married, I lost my mother, I carried two beautiful sons, I canceled my gym membership, and I used all sorts of excuses to feed my feelings and pack on the pounds. This time around, I've tried counting colories and points, using apps and food journals, but I just haven't been able to get to that mental place that I need to be in to eat healthy foods and more importantly, to stick with it. Oddly, I'm not even that unhappy with my weight (I'm still about 25 pounds less than my highest college weight of 197) but I'm feeling ridiculously tired all.the.time and uncomfortable in most of my clothes (and my skin for that matter!). I'm at the point where I'm ready to feel healthier.

I wanted a hobby, so I'm creating one- taking care of ME. Today I started the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. I vow to be brutally honest as I document my experience over the next 24 days. While there are supplements involved, the challenge is really about eating real foods for the purpose of fueling your body. This is meant to be a new way of life, not a fad diet.

Starting Stats:

Weight- 174 pounds
Chest- 41.5 inches
Waist- 34.5 inches
Hips- 45.75 inches
Thigh- 24 inches
Pants Size- 14

All in the name of accountability, folks!

WISH ME LUCK!

Simple Crock Pot Chili

As the days get cooler, I find myself craving warm comfort foods. I often use Sunday as my "cooking day." I'll make a big meal that we can enjoy that night making sure to add enough for leftovers for lunches during the week. This chili is so simple, delicious, affordable (I've included prices) and low in fat and calories. Disclaimer: On the cooking scale, I consider myself somewhere between Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee, but if you're not into pre-packaged convenience foods, I'm sure you can substitute fresh options.

Ingredients:

Pay no attention to the bottles of wine in the background

 

 20 oz lean ground turkey ($3.99)
1 small onion, diced ($.49)
1 small bell pepper, diced ($.69)
1 packet low-sodium taco seasoning ($.79)
1 can of corn, drained ($.67)
2 cans low sodium beans, drained and rinsed- I use one can of black and one can of red, but feel free to mix things up ($1.98)
3 cans diced tomatoes, include one can with chilis or jalapeños to add a little heat ($2.67)

Grand Total: $11.28 for over 10 cups!

Cook the turkey until no longer pink, drain off any liquid and mix everything together. The great thing about using the crock pot is that you can vary the cooking time based on how long it takes you to get your shit together much time you have available. I didn't get this started until noon, so I set the crockpot on high. But if you're a real go-getter, this could simmer on low all day. I threw together some cornbread (from a mix) and added a little low fat shredded cheese. Dinner was a hit with 75% of us (per usual)!  

 

What are your favorite recipes for fall?



First Day of Preschool

We've been preparing for this day for months, talking often about how much fun preschool is going to be. Aside from waking up to a flat tire and wrestling with a freaking car seat, drop off went so much better than anticipated. I could not be prouder!

Seven Years

Seven years ago, we stood before our family and closest friends and made the love that we have for each other legal. The day was perfect in every way. All the details that I had painstakingly obsessed over for a lifetime year finally came together in an old brick church in Williston and country club in Burlington. You were so proud of the antique car you borrowed to get us from the church to our reception. We ate and drank and danced the night away!

Time has gone by so quickly, and I’m delighted that our new home is less than a mile from that incredible little church. We’ve been through so much together since that perfect day: we’ve bought and sold our first home, changed jobs (a few times), raised a rambunctious puppy into a spirited dog, we’ve lost loved ones (and about a hundred pounds), and gained amazing friends (and a few extra pounds). We’ve travelled on planes and cruise ships, making memories along the way. We’ve grown our little family and filled our home with the warmth, comfort and love (and lots of toys) that we want our boys to remember.

I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. Love you babe!

The Birth of a Hobby

Earlier this week, we recieved a "Welcome Packet" from my son's new preschool. There was a checklist of items to bring the first day, a calendar of scheduled days off, information about snacks and a copy of the daily schedule. I love checklists and was excited to tackle that bad boy. I put together an extra set of clothes, carefully and lovingly writing our last name inside each small piece (even the damn socks) with a permanent marker. I went with our last name rather than his first, because these clothes will be recycled to our second son (poor little dude gets nothing new).

We went shopping at COSTCO for easy to pack lunch items: organic chocolate milk boxes, squeezable applesauce and goldfish crackers. We searched for the best deals on a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunch box... and backpack. I even picked up a book called The Night Before Preschool to really prepare him (me?).

All of this planning and leg work has been easy compared to this ridiculous survey also enclosed in the packet. The survey, which I'm pretty sure was designed to make moms like me feel shitty, is for parents to share our skills, interests and hobbies. Of all the preparation needed for preschool: the checklists, the parent orientation, the pancake breakfast, shopping for new clothes and the effing "Enviromental Day" (i.e. let's make the families who are paying us to watch/teach their kids, clean up the playground!)... this survey is what stumped me!

So, I thought to myself, "Self, what the fuck are your interests and hobbies?"

I realized, that since I've had kids I don't really have time for hobbies and MY interests have slipped to the bottom of my priority list (somewhere below Teenange Mutant Ninja Turtle underwear and Disney Junior programming.) So, in an effort to take better care of myself as a mama, a woman, and a person (and maybe to give me something to put on that fucking survey), this blog, my hobby, is born! Consider this your birth announcement.