Mom Speak

Do you ever say something out loud and then think to yourself, "Who the hell have I become?" Here's some of the stupid mom crap that I find myself saying on the regular, with a nice translation of what I'm actually thinking.

What I say: Calm your body
What I'm thinking: How do you have so much energy at nine o'clock at night?!? Stop thrashing around and lie still!!!

What I say: Listen to my words
What I'm thinking: If I have to say the same thing one more time, I'm going to lose my shit!

What I say: Sit on your bottom
What I'm thinking: Stop standing/climbing on every thing in sight!

What I say: Use your words
What I'm thinking: Stop talking like a fucking baby! (directed to the four year old, not the actual baby)

What I say: I need you to...
What I'm thinking: I want to directly tell him what to do, but all the gentle parenting crap I've read says to use "I" statements

What I say: We don't talk like that
What I'm thinking: HAHA, that was hilarious! I'm totally posting that on Facebook later :)

Getting to Knoooowww Meeee!!

Just some fun facts about me:

1. What is your favorite word? It varies, but right now it's, "Seriously!?" I quickly learn what words I use a lot, when my four year old starts saying them regularly

2. What is your least favorite word? "Panties" It sounds so incestuous, I've got the heeby jeebies just typing it!

3. What sound or noise do you love? Thunderstorms

4. What sound or noise do you hate? Loud music/TV/anything, especially while I'm trying to have a conversation I seriously think I have sensory issues

5. What is your favorite swear word? I effing love the F word

6. A song you’d risk wreck & injury to turn off when it comes on the radio? B52's Love Shack it even made the short "do not play" list at our wedding

7. Favorite show on television? Shameless though we no longer get Showtime and that makes me sad

8. Favorite movie? Silence of the Lambs Is that creepy?

9. What are you grateful for today? A warm, cozy home

10. If you could have anything put on a t-shirt what would it be? "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to" this has been my motto for years

11. Favorite meal? Veggie nachos with good guacamole

12. A talent you wish you had? Anything musical

13. What’s on your nightstand? Oh just some light reading before bed- Hear Me, See Me: Incarcerated Women Write

14. Three things about you that would surprise us? (1) I'm really sensitive, and over analyze almost every interaction I have (2) I would love to be a "plus size" model for a day (3) I think I was black in another life  


Now it's your turn- go!

Questions are borrowed from various sources, but the answers are all mine.

Livin' the Dream

My husband and I joke with each other, mostly when a shitstorm is brewing around us, that we're Livin' the Dream. Basically, we wonder, "what the hell have we gotten ourselves in to?" If you're a parent, or possibly even if you're not, you have these moments where everything seems so surreal and you can't even fathom that this is what your life has come to. A few examples for you:

• When your three year old goes outside to greet the new realtor wearing nothing but rain boots

• When you turn around to find the baby sitting in the bathroom sink eating toothpaste, when all you did was reach into the closet for a towel

• When your kid yells "frickin' bullshit!" while trick-or-treating

• When the baby NEEDS to nurse at the exact same time that you're doing your (ahem) morning business

• When your out of town guest steps in dog puke as he's trying to pick up food thrown by the baby )who happens to be sitting ON the dinner table)... and your other kid just happens to be naked

Does this shit happen to anyone else? Please say yes, or I may worry that I'm totally failing at this parenting thing.

I Was Meant To Be A Boy Mom

Disclaimer: I'm going to generalize a bit in this post. I know not all girls are frilly pink princesses and not all boys are wrestle maniacs- though this has been my general experience. Our home is pretty old school traditional when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and all that jazz, but that's how I want it, so I feel totally liberated.

I think it's fair to say that most of us were meant to be either girl parents or boy parents. Some of you are lucky enough to have both boys and girls, which means at least one of your kids will hate you someday. I'm totally kidding (kinda).

Here are the reasons that I know I was meant to be a Boy Mom:

I have the mind of a twelve year old boy No joke, I still think farts are hilarious and can't say the word "balls" with a straight face. I should probably grow up and be a better role model, but it's so much fun to laugh and laugh while I moon my boys.

I can't french braid The idea of having to do someone else's hair everyday (I barely do my own) sounds like such a pain in the ass! I remember fighting with my mom over brushing my long, curly hair until she made me cut it in fifth grade and I had triangle hair... Luckily my kiddos sport the "little boy cut" and can go right to the barber with Dadd-O.

Saying penis is so much easier than vagina... or vulva... or labia Seriously, I know I have one of these things, but the idea of talking about it or cleaning one (that's not mine) totally terrifies me! Oddly though, it doesn't bother me one bit to yell, "Get your penis off your brother's leg!"

I really enjoy being the Queen of our castle Being the only girl in the house totally rocks. As these boys get older, I plan to never take out the trash, mow the lawn, shovel snow or lift anything heavy (unless I want to, of course). I do realize that I'll be busy cooking enough food to feed a small army and washing dirty boxer shorts (but at least it'll be quiet and hopefully drama free).

December To Do

My good friend Kara over at The Daily Whisk inspired me to write a monthly To-Do list. I missed November, but am feeling really motivated this month, so here goes:

Decorate our mantel- This is the first time I've ever had a mantel in my home, and I really want it to be festive for the holidays. How do you decorate your mantel?

Hang Pictures in the Family Room- I have visions of eclectic family photos in mismatched frames that look really cool- I'm just hoping I can pull it together and not become a serious Pinterest fail. Has anyone tried this? Pics please!

Attend a fitness class- there's a gym in the building where I work, you can try it free for five days and I can buy a punch card with no commitment. Seriously, what's taken me so long? I freaking love group fitness!! (no joke)

What are YOU doing this month??