To my friends without children...

Last week, Dadd-O and I took the boys to the movies (along with an extra buddy from daycare) and I also invited a friend/co-worker who doesn't have kids. Even though the boys were really good (like seriously, surprisingly good), as I juggled popcorn and Whoppers and Icees, while making sure everyone made it to the bathroom and got a seat they were happy with, she looked at me and said,

"WOW, your life is soooo different than mine!" Yes, yes it is.

If you don't have kids, chances are your morning routine looks a lot different than mine...

Most likely you got to use the bathroom alone. There was no one unrolling the toilet paper roll while you sat helplessly on the toilet, no one climbed onto your lap while you did your business, or asked questions about why you wear a "diaper."

My view from the toilet...

I bet no one snuck in while you were showering and karate chopped the curtain, scaring the shit out of you.

You didn't use Flintstones vitamins as leverage for teeth brushing or have the unique opportunity to pry open a tiny mouth and shove an electric Spiderman toothbrush into it trying to touch each little tooth at least once.

You only wiped one butt!

You probably only zipped one jacket, and put on one pair of shoes. You missed out on the experience of searching for missing shoes/hats/mittens/jackets that were right there last night. You didn't have to argue the value of winter boots over rain boots when temperatures are below freezing.

You didn't get to wrestle a toddler (who suddenly developed super speed and strength) into a five point harness, and you got to choose the radio station (only changing it if and when YOU wanted to.)

And lastly, you probably got to work on time...

Finding My Motivation: Where the F*ck is it??

Once upon a time there was a 22 year old girl who weighed 197 pounds. She'd been "chubby" most of her life, and was finally sick and tired of it. She joined Weight Watchers and started going to the gym religiously, and over about a year and a half, she lost 56 pounds. She had confidence, and felt the best she ever had!

Fast forward nine years and that girl is a frazzled, working mama who is not happy with the way her body looks or feels. She's committed to Jazzercise (finally!) but she can't seem to stick to any kind of healthy eating plan. Thankfully, she's not back to where she was... YET!

FYI, that girl is me.

Since having kids I've tried going back to Weight Watchers (a couple of times), I've tried Advocare, counting calories and the 21 Day Fix, but I can't seem to stick with anything long term. I've vowed to be kinder to myself this year, but I can't help but wonder if I'm being too easy on myself...

How do you get to, or maintain, a healthy weight?

2015

As we enter the new year, I'm thinking back to this time last year when I made a list of 36 things I hoped to tackle in 2014. I was able to successfully accomplish about 1/3 of the things on my list, and another 1/3 were partially accomplished. While I think it's important to have realistic and concrete goals that one can "check off," I think it's far too easy to get stuck on the end result and forget about the journey. I'm about to get a little deep here, so bear with me. For 2015, I'm setting goals that are a little more vague, but that can be incorporated into everything that I do.

Have More Fun

All too often I get caught up in my own head and forget to live in the moment. I'm too worried about laundry and dishes to enjoy the laughter of my children. While I can't completely neglect household chores (unfortunately), I do want to be more intentional about dedicating time to playing with my children and just enjoying life through their eyes.

Take Care of Myself

I've spent way too many years of my life stressing about my weight, calories in, calories burned... blah blah blah. I'm not throwing in the towel altogether, but trying to take a more holistic approach to self-care. I plan to eat healthy foods that fuel my body and make me feel strong and healthy (about 80% of the time), but I also plan to spend time with my girlfriends, drink some wine and occasionally go out to dinner with my husband.

I got a really sweet deal on a year's worth of Jazzercise classes, so my love of group fitness is covered and I'm still learning how to take time for "me" without feeling a whole lot of mama/wife guilt.

Keep In Touch

I lost one of my best friends this year and it was a crazy reminder that I need to cherish the friends that I have and keep in closer touch. It's so easy to get wrapped up in my day-to-day life and lose touch with people who are very important to me. This year I vow to remind those I love that I'm thinking of them, whether it's a text message, phone call, snail mail (for the grandmas), or scheduling a lunch date.

Do you make New Years Resolutions? If so, what are your plans for 2015?

 

 

 

One Crazy Day

My dear friend Kara at the Daily Whisk just wrote a great "day in the life" post, which inspired me to do the same. But, hold on to your hats because this is going to be a wild ride.

5:25am- Daddo-O comes into Jaxy's room to wake me up. Wanna work out? No, but I'll be right down...

5:30am- I use my ninja skills to silently roll off the bed and change into my workout clothes. I stumble down the stairs and push play. We discuss how much we hate Autumn Calabrese. I critique Dadd-O's plank and almost pee my yoga pants trying to do (modified) burpees.

5:47am- We hear Jaxy screaming upstairs. Dadd-O brings him down and tucks him in on the couch to "watch us workout."

5:52am- Jaxy is nursing upside-down while I attempt to do crunches for 60 seconds straight, twice. Why did I give up my gym membership again?

6:00am- We finish the cool down, Dadd-O goes upstairs to take a shower and I snuggle Jaxy on the couch and watch cartoons/sneak in a catnap.

Over the next hour and a half, two people shower, at least two people poop, four sets of teeth are brushed, the dog goes out 17 times, lunches are put together, breakfasts are made, snuggles and meltdowns are had, and if we're lucky, we get out the door on time and without forgetting anything or yelling too much.

Three days a week the boys go to daycare together (where thankfully, meals are taken care of). The other two days we usually divide and conquer. Dadd-O drops off Jaxy and I bring Harrison to preschool, feeding him pre-made, preservative-laden mini muffins and a pre-made, preservative-laden yogurt smoothie in the car. He asks me, Is Dadd-O getting surgery on his balls? I play dumb. We sing All About That Bass and fight over whether it's a girl or a boy singing. Seriously?!

8am- Blah blah... work stuff... blah blah... State employee... blah blah... phone calls, emails, webinars, meetings... blah blah blah

4:45pm- It's already dark as I leave work for the day. We divide and conquer once again, but this time I get the little one- and this happens...

Jax: I want music loud!

So I turn up the music...

Jax: blah blah blah
Me: (turn down the music) What babe?
Jax: Mama, you a girl?
Me: Yes, I'm a girl.
Jax: Loud.
Me: (turn up the music)

One minute later...

Jax: blah blah blah
Me: (turn down the music) What babe?
Jax: Mama, it's dark outside?
Me: Yes, it dark outside.
Jax: Loud!
Me: (turn up the music)

Two minutes later...

Jax: blah, blah, blah
Me: (turn down the music) What babe?
Jax: Mama, Bella our dog?
Me: Yes, Bella is our dog.
Jax: LOUD!
Me: (turn up the music)

Aaand REPEAT.

5:15pm: We pull into the garage and I release Jax from his car seat. I watch Mickey Mouse and drink a boobie?! He asks/demands. As you wish my son ::eyeroll::

5:30pm: The Dadd-O and Harrison get home and I retreat to the kitchen to get started on dinner. If I'm lucky the boys stay downstairs and play/watch TV, but generally they want to be as close to me as humanly possible without actually crawling back inside my uterus. I try to keep my cool as I chop, saute and stir allthewhile tripping over ninjas, kissing boo-boos, breaking up fights and trying to protect two little cannon-ballers from needing stitches. (Seriously, they gather all the pillows in the house, pile them up near the couch, then scream Cannon Ball! as they jump... generally, they land on the pillows.)

6:15pm: We finally sit down to dinner. Jax refuses to eat anything on his plate, but begs for bites from both Dadd-O and I (it's the same damn thing!). We attempt normal family conversation.

Me: Harrison, how was your day?
H: Good.
Dadd-O: What was your favorite part?
H: Tooting!
Me: death stare
Jax: I tooted!

And then we basically give up... It's a good day if no one is "asked" to leave the table, or storms of crying mid-meal.

6:30pm: Daddo-O gets the boys in the bath, while I clean up the kitchen. For some reason, I hate bath time more than I hate dishes. I overhear things like, Don't splash your brother! and Get your finger out of his butt crack! Oh yeah, that's why I prefer dishes...

Now comes my favorite part of the evening. The boys are all clean-smelling and dressed in their jammies. We wrestle in the living room for awhile (until someone gets hurt-- usually me-- which forces us to stop.) We read books Pete the Cat is a big hit in our house. And sometimes we even do Cosmic Yoga (yes, as a family). Our goal is to wind the boys down- though I think Dadd-O sometimes forgets this.

8:00pm: Teeth are brushed, and a cup of milk is poured. We give hugs and kisses to Dadd-O and Harrison. I lay with Jaxy and nurse him before he rolls his little body over and snuggles in to me. His breaths become deeper, and slower and within 30 minutes he's out. This is my "me" time- I stalk Facebook, play Candy Crush, read on my phone... and usually fall asleep by 9pm.

This is when Daddo-O and Harrison have thier self-proclaimed "man time." They watch shows on the iPad and snack on goldfish. I'm not even entirely sure what they do, but I'm sure it includes a lot of farting and talking about balls.




Aaaaaannnddd REPEAT!

A Real Life Shit Show

**WARNING** This post is both disgusting and humiliating, but in order to make the rest of you feel like better parents, I feel socially obligated to share. You're welcome.

Poop Story #1

We're just barely starting to introduce potty training to Jax. We're not pushing it, just following his lead... and really, I'm not in any hurry because who wants to run to a public bathroom 8,000 times during one trip to the grocery store? Anyway- Jax was hanging out in his underwear (size 2T underwear are possibly the cutest thing ever!) when Harrison declared that he needed to poop. I watched Jax playing quietly and noticed a little bit of a squat coming on.

Are you pooping?, I asked. But I could tell from his face, that yes, indeed he was. Let's go on the potty! I exclaimed... but Harrison was already on the toilet, and there was no chance of running up the stairs carrying the little pooper.

Harrison are you done? I kind of yelled.

Yeah, why? he asked.

Get up!! NOW!

And he did, thankfully. As I pulled off the cute little 2T Mickey Mouse unders, a log of poop fell to the floor. I put Jax on the toilet, with Harrison standing by and went to pick up the poop log... to find that we were out of toilet paper.

DADD-O! Can you bring down a roll of toilet paper?

In a few minutes, I'm pooping! This phrase gets shouted way too frequently in our house, but I digress.

Don't move! I told both boys and ran upstairs to get a roll of toilet paper. As much as I love my husband, I avoid entering the bathroom at all costs during and directly after his pooping sessions, but I had to take one for the team here. I pulled my shirt up over my nose, averted my eyes and went directly to the storage closet, grabbed a roll and ran. I return to the downstairs bathroom to find Jax still on the toilet (phew) and Harrison standing by, but the poop... the poop was gone.

Guys, what happened to the poop?

Bella ate it... Yes, the fucking dog ate my kid's poop. But hey, at least I didn't have to clean it up.


Poop Story #2

I was home alone with the boys building forts, playing "babies" or something amazing like that when I needed to :: ahem :: "do my business." I left the boys to play, assuring them that I'd be back in a few minutes. A few seconds later Harrison barges into the bathroom exclaiming that he has to poop. Go downstairs, let me know when you're done and I'll come wipe you. I said. Apparently Jax went down with him... as did the iPad. So a few minutes later I hear the dreaded, I'm done!! and head downstairs. I can tell immediately that some thing's not right. Harrison has leaned the iPad up against the dryer and was totally sucked into NINJAGO some educational nature programming. Next to him stands Jax... holding a toy screwdriver which is covered in POOP! As are both of his hands and the side of the toilet!

Harrison! What happened? I kind of yelled (again).

What? I didn't know he was going to stick it in my butt...

Seriously!?!? Turn off the iPad right now! Jax don't move!

I then proceeded to use Clorox wipes on every surface imaginable, even my child's hands, and took away the iPad for the rest of the day. Because, pay a-fucking-tention when someone sticks a toy screwdriver (or anything else for that matter) in your butt!!

This is real life people- I can't make this shit up. See what I did there?

Keeping Your Inner Bitch at Bay

Do you ever feel like Patricia Heaton's character Deborah from the show Everybody Loves Raymond? Because I do- ALL.THE.TIME.

In the days Pre Kids (P.K.) I used to think to myself- "God, she's such a bitch!" "Why's she so mean to her husband?!" "WTF is her problem?"

Well... Now I know! I really, truly, get it. She's overwelmed, she's tired, her mind won't shut off, and she's overwelmed (that needs to be said twice.)

Being a mom is hard, being a wife is hard, hell, being a person is hard! Put those three together and you've got a tornado of thoughts running through your mind at any given moment.

Ugh, the sink is full of dishes. I should do them. No, I did them last time, so Dadd-O should do them... but he's playing with the boys, that's more important. I should be playing with them too. But if I don't do the dishes now, they'll still be there tomorrow and Dadd-O isn't home tomorrow, so I'll never get them done and the world will end!!

This is just a tiny sample of what goes on in my head at any given moment. (You're welcome.)

So, how do I curb my inner Deborah? Well, I'm not always able to keep that bitch on lock-down, but I do have a few tricks that work for me:

Deep Breaths- I know this sounds cheesy, but it really does work. When I can feel myself getting close to losing my shit, I take a few slow, deep breaths... then turn on my Stepford wife face and go back to parenting.

Time Away- Sometimes I choose to do the dishes, or bring the laundry downstairs just so that I can have a tiny bit of time to myself. And sometimes I pretend I'm pooping so that I can check facebook in private.

Be Honest- Sometimes I just have to tell my boys (Dadd-O included), that I'm having a rough day. That it's hard for me to be patient/kind/calm, and that I need them to be understanding/helpful/patient. Basically, consider this a warning shot.


How do you keep it together as a partner, parent, person??

Life is a Whirlwind

WOW! The past month has been crazy. I feel like I've lost track of the time and can't even remember what's been keeping us so busy, but here's a little recap:

Harrison returned to preschool- This is exciting, because our little guy is growing up, but it's also a little stressful. "Preschool days" adds extra time to the commute twice a week and pile on one more logistic to work out with Dadd-O. (Can you do drop off, and I'll do pick up? Wait, I don't have a car seat...)

We went camping one last time- We've discovered a campground that we really like. It's family-owned and operated, with lots of activities for the kids. We went earlier this summer and took advantage of the water slides, playground and two pools. This month, we loved the Halloween themed weekend. Many of the campsites were covered with spooky decorations and the boys trick-or-treated from site to site. It was a blast, but it was also the first COLD weekend which gave us the chilling (see what I did there?) reminder that fall is coming.

Dadd-O has been training- In addition to his full time "real job," Dadd-O is a volunteer firefighter. This month he's been taking a class at the fire station every Tuesday and Thursday evening, and two full Saturdays. In between classes he's preoccupied with reading and studying. This means that two nights a week, we've seen each other for about 10 minutes between work and class while we pass off the boys and share a quick kiss hello/goodbye. The boys miss him, I miss him, he misses us... and we all miss our normal routine. Thankfully, the month is almost over and we can go back to eating dinner as a family.

I joined a book club- Reading more (at all?) has been on my to-do list for a while now. I was psyched when a few of my lady friends at work recently invited me to join a book club. We had our first meeting last week and the food wine conversation was great. I actually finished the book (I wasn't sure I'd have enough free time) and enjoyed an evening with hilarious, intelligent, and amazing women! Win-win.

Board Meetings- Harrison's pre-school is a co-operative, which means parents have a say in how the school is run and must participate on the board or a committee. I'm the board secretary, so once a month I spend an evening at the preschool with other parents discussing school operations and planning. I'm also volunteering with our Community Justice Center (more to come on this), where I spend two evenings a month.

Soccer- Late in the summer, Harrison attended a week-long soccer "camp." I would totally use airquotes if I could, because it was only for an hour a day, seriously... regardless they still get the $100 bucks out of us. (Which included a ball, jersey and t-shirt. Quite as steal.) Anyway, he seemed to enjoy soccer and met a new friend that he couldn't stop talking about. Luckily, the new friend's mom told me about another upcoming soccer program that was starting and new friend would also be participating. This one is only once a week, for six weeks- every Friday afternoon. So far it's gone well, except for trying to keep Jaxy off the field. "I play soccer camp too?"

Things seem to be winding down a bit, thankfully, but now I must start planning a fifth birthday party!