Recommitted

Sometimes I do this thing where I feel bad for myself- I get frustrated that I (poor, me) have to worry about my weight and the food I eat. Other people seem to have it so easy- they don't have to plan every meal ahead of time... but not me, I have to think about every little thing that I put into my mouth, every day for the rest of eternity (or so it feels). I go to this irrational place in my head, where everything is black and white. If I make one "bad" food choice, then I might as well throw in the towel and order a cheeseburger, with bacon... and fries. If a meeting runs late and I miss an exercise class, I might as well skip the gym altogether. And that, my friends, is what I call a case of the fuck-its.

I've had it bad for the the last two weeks. It's been two weeks of...

Overeating
Anxiety
Excuses
Lethargy
Guilt

And to a certain extent, Freedom.

Today I am recommitting to health... to happiness... and to ME!

I Almost Forgot...

It wasn't intentional, really, but I forgot to share... I saw a nutritionist. I saw her three times, actually. I thought I was eating "right" and I was exercising regularly, but the weight just wasn't coming off. I figured it was time to call on a professional for help. Bonus: My insurance pays for three visits! As a know-it-all perfectionist who has struggled with my weight for, like, ever... this was really scary for me. What if she tells me I'm doing this all wrong? What if I cry? What if she makes me get on a fucking scale??? But, thankfully, it wasn't like this at all.

Visit #1
I brought in a three day food (and poop) journal so that she could get a sense of my current eating (and pooping) habits. I also had to write down my "food story," which ended up being a page full of bullet points listing all my crazy food/weight issues... so that was fun. There was some cheesy getting-to-know you conversation, we talked about my reason for coming in, and my goals. I told her that I wanted to lose weight...that I was an emotional eater... that I wanted to be healthy and feel good about my body. And best of all, I didn't cry. This is big for me- when I'm mad, I cry, sad, I cry, overwhelmed, hungry, tired... you get it, I cry. I told her that my goal weight was 150... and then I waited for her to say that was a little high for my height... but she didn't. She said that sounded realistic and healthy and then we moved on. She looked over my food journal and gave me some homework for the coming week: (1) incorporate a non-green vegetable into your diet, (2) add a walk/run interval workout to your weekly routine, and (3) eat more carbs.

Visit #2
A week later, I had made baked eggplant Parmesan for dinner (check), I had actually used the Couch to 5K app that had been sitting on my iPhone for months (check), and I upped my daily intake of carbs to closer to 40% of my caloric intake(check). I was feeling confident and proud of myself- even though there was no movement on the scale. The first visit was where I spilled my guts, and this visit was more about me taking information in. Based on what I had told her, she had put together an eating plan for me- complete with new recipes to try!

1. Eat every 3-4 hours to avoid getting "hangry." This is huge for me. When I get hungry, I get cranky and I often don't make good choices about food. By staying ahead of hunger, and keeping my blood sugar stable, I can stick with the plan I've made for myself... and be nicer to those around me. It's a win-win really.

2. Include protein and carbs in every snack/meal. And aim for no more than 30 grams of protein at a time because your body can't use any more than that.

3. Limit (not avoid) processed/frozen meals. I knew they weren't great for me (sodium, or something?), but Lean Cuisines had become a go-to lunch for me. I learned that even though they are low in calories, they also lack in good protein and that's why they really don't keep you full for long.
I left feeling excited to try some new recipes and follow a real plan! I'll post the apple oatmeal recipe soon- AMAZING!

Visit #3
I really fell into a groove- I was sticking with my new plan, exercising three times a week AND I had lost three pounds!!! We talked about ways to avoid emotional eating and how to manage healthy eating when life gets unpredictable (a challenge for the control-freak in me). Acknowledging that my insurance won't cover anymore visits, we said our goodbyes and she offered advice or support anytime.

I really found that the biggest change was that I am being more kind to myself. It sounds simple and a little silly, but really it's not. If I make an unhealthy food choice, I forgive myself and move on- instead of making an excuse to eat everything in sight for the rest of the day (or week). And if I make a conscious decision to eat something deliciously unhealthy, that I know isn't in my "plan" for the day, I own it, enjoy it... and try to get in some extra exercise that day.

Reluctantly, I know that managing my eating and weight will be a part of the rest of my life. Rather than be pissed about it, which I still am pretty often, I'm trying to think of the process as a learning experience, rather than a chore... I'm figuring out what works for me and what's just not gonna happen. I know that I can plan most of my meals ahead, I know that I can eat every three hours, I know that I can make it to the gym three times a week... and I also know that my sons love to bake cookies on the weekends, I love going out to eat, wine with friends is fun, and playing outside with my kids can be my exercise for the day. It's really about finding a balance and maybe acknowledging that I'll never get back to my wedding weight, and my size 12's feel just right.

Team Work

So proud to share my very first blog threesome at The Daily Whisk!

Crystal, Kara and I had a great time sharing the very different ways that we all find time to exercise.

Enjoy!

Resolution Check In

Since we're roughly 1/6 of the way through the new year, I thought I'd check in on my progress toward my goals for 2014.

Get below 170 (again)- I hit 169.4 this week- boom!

Do cardio 3 times/week- I haven't necessarily done only cardio, but I'm consistently making it to the gym three times each week.

Visit my Nana more often- I visited in late January and plan to see her again for her St Patrick's day birthday.

Call my Long Island grandparents monthly- Check.

Menu plan regularly- Checkity check.

Plant a garden- Obviously I haven't planted it yet, but I did attend an Introduction to Vegetable Gardening class

Spend more time with my friends- dinner date with Erika, lunch dates with Connie and Nicole, and gardening class with Shawna... plus a fun night out with Rachel planned for this weekend

Buy a pair of well-fitting designer jeans- scored a pair of Joe's at TJ Maxx (husband, avert your eyes) for $60! Now, to get them hemmed...

How's your progress?

Breastfeeding is Like Weight Loss

As someone who has breastfed two children and at one time lost a significant amount of weight, I've come to realize that there are many similarities in the internal process that goes along with breastfeeding and losing weight, and maybe more importantly in the way that many people react to those of us who breastfeed and/or who have lost weight.

It's hard, like really, really hard! And you want to quit... The first few weeks of breastfeeding suck. There, I said it. You have no idea what you're doing, it's painful (even though everyone tells you it's not supposed to be) and you're starving all the time! The first few weeks of dieting "changing your lifestyle" also suck. You're clueless about which approach to take (counting calories, points, carbs, etc), you're sore from exercising, and once again you're starving all the time.

BUT almost overnight, it gets so much easier. You realize that breastfeeding saves time, energy and money- you can just whip out a boob, without getting off your butt and missing one minute of the Kardashians (or whatever your guilty pleaseure may be.) Eating healthier and exercising also get easier as you develop new habits. Your body gets used to the new purpose(s) you've bestowed upon it, and you begin to feel empowered.

You're proud of yourself (or at least you should be). This is a tough one for me, especially with our dependance on social media, because it's hard to show pride without seeming boastful. I'm guilty of posting pro-breastfeeding propoganda all over my facebook page. I realize that it can make some people, who didn't or couldn't breasfeed, feel insecure... but that's not my intent. I'm simply trying to support those who may be struggling and sharing how proud I am of myself (and fellow breastfeeders) for sticking with one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The same goes for weight loss- again I'm guilty of posting pictures of the healthy meals I've made, or "checking in" at Zumba class. I'm not trying to put anyone down for eating a cheeseburger, or skipping the gym... hey, I do these things regularly. I'm proud of the work I'm trying to do and why shouldn't I be? Losing weight the first time was really hard, and losing weight after having two kids has been ten times harder!

Well meaning people can unknowlingly sabotage you. Just one cookie won't hurt... Are you sure he's getting enough milk? ... You're wasting away... I was formula fed, and I turned out fine. Ever heard any of these things? Yeah, me too! While it's true, a cookie won't kill you, and formula isn't poison... that's not the type of support you need when you're working toward a goal that's important to you.

When I made the committment to breastfeed, I was one of the first in my family. My grandmother formula fed six children, so although she offered moral support, she didn't really know anything about breastfeeding or how she could help. An older family member once said to me, "maybe your milk's bad." Had I not been confident in myself and in my decision to breastfeed, it would have been easy for me to give up.

Change makes people freak the fuck out. So if you've always been heavy, always indulged along with your family/friends, and suddenly you're doing things a little differently... people don't quite know what to do. Pushing food, making you feel ok about skipping a workout, or insisting you're "fine just the way you are" can easilly push you back into bad habits. Just like breastfeeding, we need to stay confident in our decision to get healthy.

And now some fun photos. Can you tell I love Halloween?




Halloween 2003, close to my heaviest weight of 197.





Halloween 2007, close to my thinnest (145)







 



Nursing Harrison at a Christmas party- 2010













Nursing Jackson at the playground- 2013























  





 







More Than A Number

Every major milestone in my life has a number attached to the memory.

Freshman Year Prom- 148
High School Graduation- 168
College Graduation- 195
January 4, 2005 (the day I started Weight Watchers)- 196
My Wedding Day- 136
The day I found out I was pregnant with H- 155
The day I gave birth to H- 188
The day I found out I was pregnant with J- 161
The day I gave birth to J- 198
The day I started the 24 day challenge- 174
Day 11- 169.6
This morning- 170.2

I know that I'm more than a number, that my worth is not defined by the number on the scale. But these numbers burned so deeply into my memories that I can't seem to forget.

Struggles

Sunday was hard. I mean really hard. I was tired, I was cranky and I was emotional... and nothing felt like it was going right. I wanted to eat so bad. It wasn't that I was hungry (you've seen what I eat on a daily basis), but that's how I've dealt with hard days for as long as I can remember. When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat... You get the picture.

I don't expect everyone to understand what I'm talking about here, but seperating my emotions from food has been the hardest part of this journey so far. Sure, I miss eating some of my favorite foods (mmmm....nachos), but it's more than that. I miss the instant relief that I get when I eat for comfort. I miss the experience and ritual connected to eating. I miss the social connection of eating with friends and family.

I was excited to begin this life change, but now that the newness is wearing off I feel a little really lost. I imagine this is what it feels like when someone who is addicted to drugs makes the decision to become clean. I know that I need to find healthy ways to relieve stress, to comfort myself and to connect with those that I love. I need to discover new activites to do with my family that don't involve stopping for ice cream or a Happy Meal (don't judge). Most importantly, I know that I need to be kind to myself and to be patient- this will all take time.

Please share, what do you do to take care of yourself?

Check In

Since I have a few days of eating differently under my belt I wanted to check in about how things are going. (I'm a social worker, so the term check in gets used on the regular).

What I'm Eating
For the first three days of the challenge I basically ate the same exact thing. Partially, I was anxious about making this change and sticking to a plan, but I also did a bunch of food prep on Sunday, so this is what I had readily available. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the plan, and have mixed things up a bit, but generally here's what I eat on an average day.

Breakfast

8 egg whites (yes 8!)

1/2 cup black beans

1/2 cup diced peppers and onions

Morning Snack

1/4 cup almonds

1 nectarine

Lunch

1-2 cups mixed greens with cucumbers and red peppers

4 oz salmon

1/2 cup chick peas

Lemon juice or balsamic vinegar for dressing

 

Afternoon Snack

2 tbs natural peanut butter

1 apple

Dinner

4-5 oz turkey breast

1/2 cup brown rice

1 cup roasted broccoli

Evening Snack

Smoothie- 1 cup frozen fruit combined with 1/2 cup almond milk

As you can see, I'm eating frequently and taking in plenty of food! I plugged this average day into My Fitness Pal and I'm meeting all of my daily nutritional needs and still staying around 1600 calories (I'm still nursing, so I can't restrict too much). Previously, I was eating over closer to 2000 calories, but the volume of food was much lower and I was not getting nearly the nutrients I needed.

What I Miss
I'm not going to pretend this change has been all unicorns farts and rainbows. During the week, I'm often driving from one meeting to another, and I'd gotten into the habit of stopping for a cup of coffee or soda almost daily. I think it's the ritual more than the actual beverages that I miss, but it's been tough not to stop. To keep myself on track, I'm trying to focus on the amount of money I'm saving (about $10 per week, if not more). Dear Husband, please skip this next part- I'm looking forward to the fun things I'll be able to buy with the money I'm saving. Smaller clothes hopefully!

What I'm Learning
Real food tastes good.
Eating healthy takes practice and planning.
I feel better (physically and emotionally) when I eat healthy foods.
I have a strong emotional attachment to food.

Taking the Challenge

I've been feeling pretty unhealthy for awhile now. It seems like every Monday I make the same promise to myself- to do better, to eat good and I would... for a couple of days. Then I'd make a poor food choice, get a major case of the fuck-its and stop paying attention to what I put into my mouth. A bagel here, McDonald's there, two bottles of hard cider after dinner- you get the picture. I wasn't just off the wagon, I was dragging behind it by my feet.

Before my wedding, I was really in a groove- I lost 56 pounds by doing Weight Watchers. I was able to easilly maintain my weight between 140 and 150 pounds. But then life happened: I got married, I lost my mother, I carried two beautiful sons, I canceled my gym membership, and I used all sorts of excuses to feed my feelings and pack on the pounds. This time around, I've tried counting colories and points, using apps and food journals, but I just haven't been able to get to that mental place that I need to be in to eat healthy foods and more importantly, to stick with it. Oddly, I'm not even that unhappy with my weight (I'm still about 25 pounds less than my highest college weight of 197) but I'm feeling ridiculously tired all.the.time and uncomfortable in most of my clothes (and my skin for that matter!). I'm at the point where I'm ready to feel healthier.

I wanted a hobby, so I'm creating one- taking care of ME. Today I started the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. I vow to be brutally honest as I document my experience over the next 24 days. While there are supplements involved, the challenge is really about eating real foods for the purpose of fueling your body. This is meant to be a new way of life, not a fad diet.

Starting Stats:

Weight- 174 pounds
Chest- 41.5 inches
Waist- 34.5 inches
Hips- 45.75 inches
Thigh- 24 inches
Pants Size- 14

All in the name of accountability, folks!

WISH ME LUCK!