Mom Speak

Do you ever say something out loud and then think to yourself, "Who the hell have I become?" Here's some of the stupid mom crap that I find myself saying on the regular, with a nice translation of what I'm actually thinking.

What I say: Calm your body
What I'm thinking: How do you have so much energy at nine o'clock at night?!? Stop thrashing around and lie still!!!

What I say: Listen to my words
What I'm thinking: If I have to say the same thing one more time, I'm going to lose my shit!

What I say: Sit on your bottom
What I'm thinking: Stop standing/climbing on every thing in sight!

What I say: Use your words
What I'm thinking: Stop talking like a fucking baby! (directed to the four year old, not the actual baby)

What I say: I need you to...
What I'm thinking: I want to directly tell him what to do, but all the gentle parenting crap I've read says to use "I" statements

What I say: We don't talk like that
What I'm thinking: HAHA, that was hilarious! I'm totally posting that on Facebook later :)

Getting to Knoooowww Meeee!!

Just some fun facts about me:

1. What is your favorite word? It varies, but right now it's, "Seriously!?" I quickly learn what words I use a lot, when my four year old starts saying them regularly

2. What is your least favorite word? "Panties" It sounds so incestuous, I've got the heeby jeebies just typing it!

3. What sound or noise do you love? Thunderstorms

4. What sound or noise do you hate? Loud music/TV/anything, especially while I'm trying to have a conversation I seriously think I have sensory issues

5. What is your favorite swear word? I effing love the F word

6. A song you’d risk wreck & injury to turn off when it comes on the radio? B52's Love Shack it even made the short "do not play" list at our wedding

7. Favorite show on television? Shameless though we no longer get Showtime and that makes me sad

8. Favorite movie? Silence of the Lambs Is that creepy?

9. What are you grateful for today? A warm, cozy home

10. If you could have anything put on a t-shirt what would it be? "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to" this has been my motto for years

11. Favorite meal? Veggie nachos with good guacamole

12. A talent you wish you had? Anything musical

13. What’s on your nightstand? Oh just some light reading before bed- Hear Me, See Me: Incarcerated Women Write

14. Three things about you that would surprise us? (1) I'm really sensitive, and over analyze almost every interaction I have (2) I would love to be a "plus size" model for a day (3) I think I was black in another life  


Now it's your turn- go!

Questions are borrowed from various sources, but the answers are all mine.

Livin' the Dream

My husband and I joke with each other, mostly when a shitstorm is brewing around us, that we're Livin' the Dream. Basically, we wonder, "what the hell have we gotten ourselves in to?" If you're a parent, or possibly even if you're not, you have these moments where everything seems so surreal and you can't even fathom that this is what your life has come to. A few examples for you:

• When your three year old goes outside to greet the new realtor wearing nothing but rain boots

• When you turn around to find the baby sitting in the bathroom sink eating toothpaste, when all you did was reach into the closet for a towel

• When your kid yells "frickin' bullshit!" while trick-or-treating

• When the baby NEEDS to nurse at the exact same time that you're doing your (ahem) morning business

• When your out of town guest steps in dog puke as he's trying to pick up food thrown by the baby )who happens to be sitting ON the dinner table)... and your other kid just happens to be naked

Does this shit happen to anyone else? Please say yes, or I may worry that I'm totally failing at this parenting thing.

I Was Meant To Be A Boy Mom

Disclaimer: I'm going to generalize a bit in this post. I know not all girls are frilly pink princesses and not all boys are wrestle maniacs- though this has been my general experience. Our home is pretty old school traditional when it comes to cooking, cleaning, and all that jazz, but that's how I want it, so I feel totally liberated.

I think it's fair to say that most of us were meant to be either girl parents or boy parents. Some of you are lucky enough to have both boys and girls, which means at least one of your kids will hate you someday. I'm totally kidding (kinda).

Here are the reasons that I know I was meant to be a Boy Mom:

I have the mind of a twelve year old boy No joke, I still think farts are hilarious and can't say the word "balls" with a straight face. I should probably grow up and be a better role model, but it's so much fun to laugh and laugh while I moon my boys.

I can't french braid The idea of having to do someone else's hair everyday (I barely do my own) sounds like such a pain in the ass! I remember fighting with my mom over brushing my long, curly hair until she made me cut it in fifth grade and I had triangle hair... Luckily my kiddos sport the "little boy cut" and can go right to the barber with Dadd-O.

Saying penis is so much easier than vagina... or vulva... or labia Seriously, I know I have one of these things, but the idea of talking about it or cleaning one (that's not mine) totally terrifies me! Oddly though, it doesn't bother me one bit to yell, "Get your penis off your brother's leg!"

I really enjoy being the Queen of our castle Being the only girl in the house totally rocks. As these boys get older, I plan to never take out the trash, mow the lawn, shovel snow or lift anything heavy (unless I want to, of course). I do realize that I'll be busy cooking enough food to feed a small army and washing dirty boxer shorts (but at least it'll be quiet and hopefully drama free).

December To Do

My good friend Kara over at The Daily Whisk inspired me to write a monthly To-Do list. I missed November, but am feeling really motivated this month, so here goes:

Decorate our mantel- This is the first time I've ever had a mantel in my home, and I really want it to be festive for the holidays. How do you decorate your mantel?

Hang Pictures in the Family Room- I have visions of eclectic family photos in mismatched frames that look really cool- I'm just hoping I can pull it together and not become a serious Pinterest fail. Has anyone tried this? Pics please!

Attend a fitness class- there's a gym in the building where I work, you can try it free for five days and I can buy a punch card with no commitment. Seriously, what's taken me so long? I freaking love group fitness!! (no joke)

What are YOU doing this month??

A Cheers to Single Parents

My husband travels for work a lot. It's not every week, but when he's gone it's usually for at least a week at a time, sometimes two! Recently I've noticed a trend in my parenting skills the longer he's gone.

Days 1-5: I can handle this- I maintain our normal routine fairly well. Dinner is eaten at the table, then bath, play time, bed for Jaxy and a snack and a show for Harrison. Mornings go smoothly because I got everything ready the night before (after Jax goes to sleep, but before Harrison does). I'm well rested and prepared each day. I build forts and do art projects with the boys- giving them 100% of our my attention.

Days 6-10: I think I can, I think I can... Things are still running pretty smoothly, but I'm losing my stamina. Dinner is mostly eaten at the table, but we stop for a Happy Meal now and then. Baths are more sporadic (unless someone gets exceptionally dirty). Evening prep work has halted as I lose my commitment to organization. I'm too busy with the big stuff that I let go in last week's honeymoon phase- emptying and loading the dishwasher, catching up on laundry, taking out the fucking garbage! Mornings suck as I scramble to put together lunches and water bottles and extra mittens for preschool. I'm about 15 minutes late to work each morning with a hot cup of gas station coffee in hand (yes, I'm that girl.)

Day 10+: I've lost my ever loving mind! The kids are fed and clean and loved. But the house is a disaster- dishes pile up as I can't find time to cook dinner and empty the dishwasher, I trip over toys at 5am when the dog wants to eat (stupid daylight savings). Dinner happens in front of the TV many nights (judge away), baby wipes provide baths, my own hygiene plummets, and we're all late in the morning and the kids are the last ones to be picked up at daycare/preschool. We're basically a travelling shit show.

At this point, I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Being late to work is stressful, not bringing a lunch is stressful, forgetting something (anything really) is stressful, leaving your house a wreck is stressful, coming home to a messy house is stressful... and all this stress causes me to yell at my boys way.too.much.

It's not their fault that I just can't keep up with it all, they depend on me to be there for them emotionally and physically. And that's why I let the house go as the weeks go on and try to keep my energy and attention focused on them. But doing this parenting thing alone for even two weeks is draining.

I know I'm lucky. I see a light at the end of this crazy, long and lonely tunnel. My husband and co-parent will be home soon to share in parenting and house work (riiiight) and most importantly to let the fucking dog out at 5am. That's when I take off for a few hours to grocery shop and poop alone (in a public bathroom somewhere).

Single parents- cheers to you! I don't know how you do it.

Hello Again!

I know, I've been absent. I got sick, and the baby was sick and life happened... but anyway, I'm baaack! And I realized that I never wrote a follow up post when I completed my Advocare 24 Day Challenge.

Update

I lost a total of four pounds and have maintained that loss, I even dipped down to 168.8 for a day! I realize that four pounds in 24 days is pretty good and I'm happy about it, but that loss all happened in the first 10 days and then it stopped.

My size 14 dress pants are looser. Not loose enough to get rid of them, but looser.
I can fit into some of my size 12 dress pants, and snugly fit into a ridiculously expensive pair of jeans I bought before I got pregnant with Jax. They look best paired with a hoodie to cover the muffin top.
I'm planning ahead and tracking what I eat. Anytime I've been successful with losing weight in the past I've used these two tools religiously. The challenge got me back into these habits.

I'm eating so much "cleaner." Before doing the challenge my main focus when looking at nutritional labels was the fat and calories. Now I also pay attention to carbs, protein, sugar and sodium. I try to eat real foods as much as possible, and processed food only occasionally. I keep my sodium low, sugars natural and low, carbs around or below 30 per meal and almost double my suggested daily value in protein.

Current Sample Menu:

Breakfast-
vanilla protein shake
1/2 cup frozen strawberries
1/2 banana
1 cup unsweetened almond milk

Morning Snack-
cut up apple
1 tbs peanut butter or 1/4 cup almonds

Lunch-
big spinach salad
4 oz sliced turkey or salmon
light Italian dressing
1/2 cup chickpeas or brown rice

Afternoon Snack-
fat free Greek yogurt
1/2 cup Kashi cereal

Dinner-
5 oz chicken breast
1 cup roasted broccoli, green beans or Brussels sprouts
1/2 cup brown rice, sweet potato or whole wheat pasta

Evening Snack- (some days)
1/4 cup nuts or edamame trail mix

All in all, I'm glad I took the Advocare 24 Day Challenge, but I didn't find the process to be as amazing or life changing as some people do. I feel much less emotionally attached to food and the process of eating... though it's kind of like losing a long-time friend and leaves me feeling just a little bit empty. I know I need to find the hobby that will fill that void.

The major downside to the challenge? I cannot even think about eating another fucking egg white!