A Real Life Shit Show

**WARNING** This post is both disgusting and humiliating, but in order to make the rest of you feel like better parents, I feel socially obligated to share. You're welcome.

Poop Story #1

We're just barely starting to introduce potty training to Jax. We're not pushing it, just following his lead... and really, I'm not in any hurry because who wants to run to a public bathroom 8,000 times during one trip to the grocery store? Anyway- Jax was hanging out in his underwear (size 2T underwear are possibly the cutest thing ever!) when Harrison declared that he needed to poop. I watched Jax playing quietly and noticed a little bit of a squat coming on.

Are you pooping?, I asked. But I could tell from his face, that yes, indeed he was. Let's go on the potty! I exclaimed... but Harrison was already on the toilet, and there was no chance of running up the stairs carrying the little pooper.

Harrison are you done? I kind of yelled.

Yeah, why? he asked.

Get up!! NOW!

And he did, thankfully. As I pulled off the cute little 2T Mickey Mouse unders, a log of poop fell to the floor. I put Jax on the toilet, with Harrison standing by and went to pick up the poop log... to find that we were out of toilet paper.

DADD-O! Can you bring down a roll of toilet paper?

In a few minutes, I'm pooping! This phrase gets shouted way too frequently in our house, but I digress.

Don't move! I told both boys and ran upstairs to get a roll of toilet paper. As much as I love my husband, I avoid entering the bathroom at all costs during and directly after his pooping sessions, but I had to take one for the team here. I pulled my shirt up over my nose, averted my eyes and went directly to the storage closet, grabbed a roll and ran. I return to the downstairs bathroom to find Jax still on the toilet (phew) and Harrison standing by, but the poop... the poop was gone.

Guys, what happened to the poop?

Bella ate it... Yes, the fucking dog ate my kid's poop. But hey, at least I didn't have to clean it up.


Poop Story #2

I was home alone with the boys building forts, playing "babies" or something amazing like that when I needed to :: ahem :: "do my business." I left the boys to play, assuring them that I'd be back in a few minutes. A few seconds later Harrison barges into the bathroom exclaiming that he has to poop. Go downstairs, let me know when you're done and I'll come wipe you. I said. Apparently Jax went down with him... as did the iPad. So a few minutes later I hear the dreaded, I'm done!! and head downstairs. I can tell immediately that some thing's not right. Harrison has leaned the iPad up against the dryer and was totally sucked into NINJAGO some educational nature programming. Next to him stands Jax... holding a toy screwdriver which is covered in POOP! As are both of his hands and the side of the toilet!

Harrison! What happened? I kind of yelled (again).

What? I didn't know he was going to stick it in my butt...

Seriously!?!? Turn off the iPad right now! Jax don't move!

I then proceeded to use Clorox wipes on every surface imaginable, even my child's hands, and took away the iPad for the rest of the day. Because, pay a-fucking-tention when someone sticks a toy screwdriver (or anything else for that matter) in your butt!!

This is real life people- I can't make this shit up. See what I did there?