Calm the Eff Down!

Admittedly, I spend way too much time on Facebook- it feels like the only way this busy mama can stalk keep up with my friends and family. I also follow a few different weight loss/healthy eating and parenting pages. Lately I find myself ready to pounce on some of these parents... these are real life posts I've seen (edited to be slightly less annoying and a little funnier).

I left my two year old daughter with my in-laws for two hours and they fed her...(gasp)... a popsicle.

Seriously?!? Calm the fuck down! There are babies who drink Pepsi from their bottles and turn out relatively ok fine... that organic 100% fruit juice popsicle will not ruin her.



I can't find a way to secure every fucking piece of furniture that I own to a beam or joist, so I must move to a house that's safe for my children.

Um, no! Calm the fuck down and supervise your kids! Or even better, don't use rickety-ass furniture.



My four day old isn't sleeping through the night. I've swaddled and shushed, but when I put him down he cries.

He grew in your body for 9+ months, of course he doesn't want to lay alone in that Pack N Play. Eventually he'll sleep, and so will you. Calm the fuck down and hold your baby!



My three year old won't listen to me. I've tried timeout but it doesn't seem to be working.

Calm the fuck down! Three year olds are assholes! It's hardwired as part of their development. You just have to ride this shitty parenting wave out.



What kind of behavior chart do you use to keep your kids on track?

What the fuck? Calm the fuck down! You don't need sticker charts and reward systems, you have enough to keep track of (like who's been fed and who hasn't). "Don't be a dick" should be the overarching message. Always.


This post was inspired by this amazing clip.